In Life, we have done so many unforgivable things, things that hurt people we love the most, to the extent they cannot love us back anymore..then we become the “unlovable”.
This means you are in a state of not being able to inspire love to yourself and from some other people. You have hurt them so bad, you hurt yourself in the process and all the love and potential of loving self and being loved by others is gone! When you look at yourself, you see nothing but the worst of sinners, someone who is only capable of hurting other people. You see nothing good in yourself..there is hurt, pain, too much sorrow and a lot of feelings you cannot explain. This, then leaves you empty and totally alone, and what you need the most now is love…but then, remember you are the unlovable…sad!!
Life gets you to that, pressures, choices, anything… I pray noone gets to feel this way and that when they do, they find a shoulder to lean on…if not, I hope they will remember to lean on the everlasting arms. The journey of feeling unlovable is not easy, you stand alone against the world. Brave on, Soldier on, someone will come and love you like you have never hurt others or been hurt.. I do not know what it will take for you to feel loved again, but i know beyond a shadow of a doubt, you will love and be loved again!
How does one lose themsleves…Brought up in a rough world, rough family ties and relations..Parents not around, raising siblings and trying to be one at the same time..you then discover yourself, traits of impatience,motherhood, selfishness have already stuck in you, but you still want to keep it together.
Time flies, and all seems normal, finally get a good education and a step mother who looks out for you like their own. You become normal..In the process though, you lose yourself..things from the past come creeping and yet you have all the good things going on. Do those around you allow you to re-explore where you once have been, where you want to be or you are told to hold it together…but deep inside, you feel it like fire in your bones…They talk of expectations and what will people say..you have a good life so why this….Could i be losing myself…?? mmmm
Talk of expectations!!
Could be a question, could be a statement – but that right there, sums me up!!
One could wonder, mmmmm easy! Not things in Life, i dont want to get those easy, but i never want to put too much pressure on myself on matters of the heart.. Simple and easy for me is what works! I cant force actions, feelings, relations etc. If they are meant to be, they will come through. If not, work with what is there.
I say so, maybe because i am scared of worrying or what worry will do to me. I can be an emotional wreck by the way and choose to take the “easy way out” as usual kk.. So i choose not to worry about things that i cannot change. Things I can change, i change!
I am not in competition with anyone, if anything, in this race of Life, I hope we all make it. I have been my own enemy for a while, but i have learnt with time that i needed to forgive myself and allow my mind, my thoughts and my feelings to wander in a way i only could contain. Its such an Amazing feeling as you get to explore all the opportunities, you could get , or not, what you can build and still enjoy the moment. Well, it gets me by..
There is a certain amount of serenity that comes with allowing things to flow easy, you find Peace within yourself and its easier to manage emotions that way, i Think! In any case, those who know me, can testify, i dont like complicated things..i want progress! Put it in the simplest way or manner then you and me can be friends. We still make progress don´t we?! Easy allows you to think things through in the most simplest form and decide whether to embrace or let go of any. Life is simpler anyways with that kind of attitude. It means you don´t force it! Take it easy and be easy on yourself too!
Easy-does-it! Eventually we get there!
The struggle with self is real.. Emotions, Decisions to be made by you. Some are good and some totally bad and that is exactly what we struggle with.
When you find that you have managed to push past a decision, its worth celebrating. Personally i struggle with sitting on the fence,its either yes or no, blue or white and not in between. Getting there is the struggle!!
The struggle with self is mostly on things that matter to you and not others…. Things that you would have to decide on..and yet you struggle. If you havent been through that road before, then wow to you!!
I have been one to be independent and make decisions on my own, but sometimes you really want to share without being judged, but who to share with. It all comes back to self..
Its always a joy when you manage to decide and it feels really refreshing to move past the valley of indecision. These are things we go through everyday, willingly or not.
At the end of the day, the struggle is real…how you go through it is something else!
My day begins in such a rush, and this is an everyday thing. Study, baths, prepping for my son for school.
It is so much in a rush that we only get to slow down when we sit in the car. There we share how our night has been, what we are looking forwrd to. Because my son is sometimes sleepy in the morning, i have to ask if he is ok. He responds with a smile and says “I am ok Mommy, just sleepy”. We sometimes count the trees, look out for the moon, discover something new and laugh and giggle about the funny things God puts in our way.
What we enjoy most about our rides to school and work is we get to sing songs from nursery, count, talk about shapes and colours, most of all we hug and kiss. My son is so good with his expressions that not a day goes without him saying ” I love you mommy, you are my best friend.” Whenever I am having a bad day, i always think of this blessing.
To some, I may not be the perfect mom, or friend, but in all my morning rides, i feel that God has made me perfectly right for this being, because he brings love, laughter and life to me!
You know, before giving birth you would never know how it feels to have a heart that moves outside your body.
My heart beats just by the thought of him, is he alright, how is he holding up, will he be able to love the way he has been loved. Sometimes I am very scared, and at times very excited. Watching him grow gives me goose pumps and yet I want him to grow.
My son, you have changed me in many ways than one. You have given me reason to live and to appreicate Life each and every moment. I learnt to smile even when i am very mad, because i want you to learn to hold it up. Trully, I have been changed.
Life will take you where my hands won´t reach, but I pray you will be brave enough to remember the wise counsel we have given you. Pray Always.
All the same, you changed me.
Even when society defines me otherwise. Expectations sprout from everywhere..yet defined by God, I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.”
He put in me genes incomparable, a soul that stands alone distinctively and yet collectively with Him. In my being me, I cannot dare walk alone because He is in me!
My thoughts often wonder, what could have been me, but He knows better. I am fulfilled, satisfied, just by knowing He made me!
He took His precious time, mounding,shaping and seep rating what was to be me and all I can say is “wow”!! He made me and indeed, I am me.
Love and respect yourself for your Maker did a perfect job on you!
You are you, I am me!!
Growing up and taking care of my older sibling, to me, meant I was a strong person. How this happened was because I felt I was Always Close to God and Him closer to me. Everything I ever wanted I would ask Him and He would supply. The past had not been easy but with God, it worked pretty well for me.
The tables then turn, when that one time, it seems God is silent.. Silent to your prayers, to giving you answers, vision and breakthroughs..there and then i beagan to question, is He still there..if He is, has He changed?. There i then remember, Numbers 23:19..”God is not a man who lies, or a son of man who changes His mind. Does He speak and not act, or promise and not fulfill?”… interesting right?! But then, where is HE when He does not answer to prayers, my prayers..?? I know as Christians or Believers, we have all been there at some Point. We cry, mourn and seek God but only get the noise of silence, which can be very frustrating and annoying.. what to do!
We need to learn and keep on trusting God, because He never Changes, nomatter what! Sometimes it is an opportunity for one to get intimate with Go and ask all the inner questions you had. Look at Job, he suffered so much but still depended and trusted God. He knew God will not leave Him. Joshua 1:9 motivates me..”Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Powerful!! Deutoronomy 31:8 also adds “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” What a promise…
One singer wrote, Instead of asking why did it happen, Think of where it could lead you from here.. When answers arent enough, there is Jesus, He is more than just an answer to your prayers..and your heart will find a safe and peaceful refuge.. when answers arent enough, He is there! May God continue to give you constant hope, and may your Faith increase with each day you are alive, to know that God is Always there , even in His silence.
Sometimes inspiration is on a low, but one can never run out of what to write can they.. back to basics Always works!
After taking a long break to enjoy the festivities, I got to reflect on the past, plan and focus on the future. Yes they say, resoultions are never kept, but I sincerely pray that God be the Inspiration in my 2016 plans and that He may order my steps the way He wants me to go [Psalm 119:133]. We can plan all we want but if we do not put God first, nothing much, if any can be achieved. [Acts 17:28] says, in Him we move and have our being..so let go this time and let God!
February, March, some of us might start losing the steam, or challenges start pushing you to the wall..you just want to quit and cry, hold on Child, be not dismayed, Joy comes in the morning, keep on, keeping on, hold on, it will get better. Pray without ceasing [1 Thessalonians 5:17].
May the Grace of the Lord, be with you Always!